I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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