i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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