My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
