At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
