So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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