Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
