Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
