I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i think my cat just said my name.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
