my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
