We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
