she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
