And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
