I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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