Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
