On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize