How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
