I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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