he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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