I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
operation have a gay friend backfired
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
