Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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