I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
