UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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