the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
