Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
