I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize