he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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