a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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