This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I checked into jail on foursquare
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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