What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
