omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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