There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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