I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Can i not drive my cunt home
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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