i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
