If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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