I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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