She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
