So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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