gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We had sex on a dog bed..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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