i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
