I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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