What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
