I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
