Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
