I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
