Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
