My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
