My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
