; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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