You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
