remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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