The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
