I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
