I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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