just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
