Who did Billy Mays play for?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
