I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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