Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize