nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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