So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
