She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ketchup is God's man juice
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
