If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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